Searching for Joy

Countercultural Musings 

Clarifying what I need to find joy- not every minute of the day- but regularly so that I can sustain my mental health, energy level, human connection to others, and trust in other human beings is an ongoing process. I must spell this process out for myself. My culture is not nurturing me. It can break me in ways that cannot be withstood over time. Depression, half-alive existence, and lack of joy are not conditions that

I envision prolonging into my future.  

    If the demands of my culture do not allow me to focus deeply, I am searching for ways to practice a countercultural lifestyle. I DO NOT CHOOSE to participate in a cultural practice that forces me to train my brain to leap from one superficial task to another like a gymnast on steroids. The feeling of constant anxiety caused by shallow flightiness and socially obligatory instability of my train of thought degrades my quality of life. I want to experience joy, not perpetual anxiety and lack of connection to others because there is never enough time to connect on a deeper level. I am searching for community and opportunities in my daily life to relate with others who crave the same liberty and autonomy of disconnecting from destructive widespread cultural practices. Join me? 

    All of the things that require depth are suffering, and we are sacrificing depth in all sorts of dimensions of modern life. Depth takes time. And depth takes reflection. It takes attention and commitment. 

-paraphrasing Sune Lehmann in Johann Hari's book

Stolen Focus...

    The ability to multitask is not possible for the human brain to accomplish according to a leading neuroscientist at MIT. Professor Earl Miller, in the book Stolen Focus, states that constant switching from task to task degrades our ability to focus. Our performance drops when we switch focus because the brain must correct errors and backtrack, so no deep thinking can occur. Errors happen when we switch tasks that would not happen if we were focused on one task only; Finally, we are likely to have less creativity over time when we ‘multitask’ which happens constantly in modern life as people shift focus from one activity to another. 

    Our brains are creative when they have time to “shape new connections out of what [they’ve] seen and heard and learned” (Hari 40).  If time is spent switching focus and correcting errors, the brain cannot follow its “...associative links down to new places and really [have] truly original and creative thoughts” (Hari 40). 

    We use our precious mental energy shifting from one activity to another, exhausting ourselves mentally at work, so in the end we don’t have the mental strength to allow our brains the time they need to ruminate over one idea or task- i.e., think deeply. The demands of our culture do not allow us to focus. Hari reports that “...the average CEO of a Fortune 500 company, for example, gets just twenty-eight uninterrupted minutes a day” (41). Hari goes on to describe the exhaustion the brain experiences from filtering and sifting through the huge amounts of information it encounters on a daily basis. “In addition to switching tasks like never before, our brains are also being forced to filter more frantically than at any point in our past” (p. 44). 

    Our ability to pay attention deteriorates and our work gets worse under these circumstances. 

LJ’s Footnote - an imprint of truth 

    Reclaiming my life is something I must find the strength to approach or I will be an agonized, status quo afflicted, and an ailing human being. I have been that human being for several months, and I don’t want a lifetime existence in this frame of mind. I am looking forward to experiencing more joy in my life.

Gaining Understanding and My Wisdom, Part V

How do I believe that I gain understanding and information about the first four questions?

Do I think I need to study? 

Is my own experience sufficient? NO, my own experience is not sufficient. 

If my answer requires sources outside of myself, should these sources be provided for me? I am skeptical of provided sources because the provider has a bias, but that does not mean provided sources are worthless either.

How do I identify wisdom? 

How do I know what I know? innate? learned? cultural? What do I trust as true? 

How do I know when to change wisdom sources? What do my core values have to do with it? 

Humankind and Death, Part IV

What happens after death?

Is suffering ever necessary?
Is there a reason for death/early death?
In the face of suffering and death, why get up tomorrow? What is the good news about my own personal theology?

What is a good death? What is a bad death? Is repentance required at death? 

To be general and overarching, I believe that nothing takes more courage than to live by my own mind, values, and judgement and summon the hero within me who is guided by these beacons lighting the way for my own identity to create a path to a meaningful death. Having stated that ideal, it is never enjoyable to return to the practical. 

Ideals are pie in the sky, calorie-free, gluten-free, nutrient dense creations that taste like a slice of bliss. Reality is what I wake up to every morning when my cat threatens to poke everything, including my clock radio, off my night table if I do not immediately rise and shine to fill his food bowl.

I do not perceive death as a big deal at this time in my life. That may change as death draws nearer to me. When that happens, I may experience emotions of fear, pain, confusion, and wonderment at what comes next, but I would like to be able to accept my death gracefully. Nobody wants to suffer before dying, so I hope I still have control over my affairs as death comes closer to me. I hope my death does not hurt others, but everyone must cope and move forward in the wake of grief. Making sure a will is in place, a medical power of attorney, and other important documents will help friends and family left behind to tidy up my mess. I acknowledge those I have trusted in my life when I put the power of life and death into their hands.

I do need to start living my values to die a fulfilled life. (be passionate, be honest, be authentic, be kind, have integrity, keep boundaries while caring about others, be self-sufficient while living in a healthy community, form a mutually enriching partnership, practice healthy habits…)

Finding a job that fulfills my desire to strengthen the world would be the best. That’s an ideal, but I hope it happens. When I have a job that makes me feel socially safe and productive and financially grounded, I can then begin to volunteer more frequently and give back to the community. I want to feel satisfied with my work climate, work dynamics and duties, and my compensation. 

Am I living my values now?

Is anybody fully living their values? I want the people who are fully living their values to mentor me please. I try my best. I am working on my values for optimal health. This involves a diet to maximize nutritionally dense food and feed my cells the elixir they need to function at full force. Working on body-spirit connections is also an important part of keeping myself in tip-top shape so I can live a meaningful life in order to die a peaceful death. 

What is required at the end of life?

It’s a private process. I hope I have people around me who care about my welfare when I am on my deathbed. I want to die at home and still have my wits about me. My death should not painful or ugly to witness. I imagine feeling at peace with the world at the time of death. Calm and loved ones are required. A cat cuddled up with me would be chocolate icing on my death cake. Dying feeling as if all is not hopeless or meaningless is important too. The person who is holding my hand as I die will love and care for my cat when I am gone. I will have loved and cared for the person holding my hand.

• To be emotionally and physically in balance until the end;
• To be independent and self-sufficient until the end;
• To not hurt physically or mentally (no suffering please);
• To not lose my cognitive abilities;
•  To have multigenerational friends by my side;
• To still drive and mingle in the social arena;
•  To drop over dead, boom, surprise, with my will and documents in place.

Is repentance required at death?

I don’t know. I would like to leave the earth granting forgiveness to those people who injured me because what the hell, but more importantly, I would like to exist in a state of acceptance for what is coming for me because I may not have control over my earthly departure. I may suffer. Buddha said suffering is inevitable, and it has been the experience of all human beings. Training and self-awareness has taught me to deal with suffering through my reactions to events and people. I do not want to fight death. Humans are not indestructible. If I can accept my own mortality, it is for the better.

Why get up tomorrow? What is my source of hope?

Because my body wakes me up, I arise. My cat wakes me up and needs food. My fish needs food. Living creatures depend upon me. I have an obligation to care for them and myself. I would like to develop more reasons to wake up and feel hope. Do mothers have hope because they love their children? Do Christians wake up and feel hope because they love Christ? Does an entrepreneur wake up and rush to work because he or she can’t wait to make more money or overpower the competition?

Getting up hopeful because I love something is different from getting up hopeful because I have hope in my heart. I am not really sure what it means to have hope in my heart. I don’t really believe that people are all that great. Absolute power corrupts after all. I equate hope with those goofy Christians who have a faith that cannot be scientifically proven, but it sure puts a smile on their faces. Their lack of doubt about a virgin birth and a man rising from the dead astounds me.

I am more of a fact finder, realist, soul searcher, doubter, challenger, asker of questions… one of those people. Sometimes I wonder if I make my life more complicated, but it is impossible for me to simplify my thought process and adopt the Christian ideal of faith in something that seems far-fetched to me.

The Good News of my personal theology is that it expresses itself as a mental attitude of openness and curiosity about new ideas and new possibilities. My Good News is that the human brain can contemplate limitless possibilities, imagine creative change, and has the potential to bring about positive growth in the world when ideas become reality.

My sources of wisdom include, but are not limited to: journalist and activist Michael Pollan; Buddha, the Dalia Lama, critic Noam Chomsky; Jonathon Kozol, bucking the system Michael Francis Moore, our own Amy Shaw, Doctors Without Borders, the White Helmets in Syria, (and all people who take personal risks while challenging harmful aspects of the status quo and blowing up the rhetoric and practice of hypocrisy while battling the fallout of corruption). I like what Elizabeth Warren stands for too during this political cycle. People come and go, but courage to speak truth and make change when that change involves bucking the status quo is a quality I admire. 

I find inspiration and wisdom in all types of writing- journalistic, legal, academic, literary, and more. In the earth's information age, there is always more to come! Sorting through the barrage of choices and finding what feeds my soul and helps me grow intellectually is the goal. 

Humankind and Theology, Part III

How am I called to behave in the world so as to have the fewest possible regrets and be free from the weight of doing wrong? 

How do I decide what is wrong to do? Do I engage in repentance/atonement? How? 

How do I judge if I have been wronged? 
What do I expect from others who have wronged me?

Epitaph: Idealist and Seeker of Self-Awareness (as my ashes are tossed into the ocean near Big Sur) 

My Desired Epitaph: She loved cats and planted pollinator-friendly flowers. 

I do not like to contemplate answers to these questions, but I often have an intense reaction when I get angry or feel that someone has wronged me. I have been exploring why when someone hurts me, my first response is to hurt that person back. Is this a normal human reaction? It does not seem that revenge is something humans should hold up as a point of pride. Why doesn't turning the other cheek after I have been slapped come naturally? Slapping back harder is often what I want to do instead- hard, fast, and aimed to provoke the same misery I feel. 

I am called in the world to curb my base instincts and ride out the need for revenge like a surfer with a wave surging toward her, steady and stable, riding the turbulence into a calm shore. The calm shore is the place from where it is safe to take action. I wrong others when I can't remember to ride out the intensity of my first maddening reactions to arrive on the calm, sandy, sunny beach of reason. Reacting when I am in an intense emotional state can lead to wrongdoing and regret. 

If I have wronged others, and we are both on the calm shores of reason, I usually apologize. I don't like unkind or hostile dynamics among others and me. I want harmony so I can best focus my energy and resources. I expect the same from others. Sometimes I can forgive and sometimes I may believe that to trust another person who has deeply scarred me would be foolish. I don't have a hard and fast rule about forgiveness. It's nice in principle, but in reality, it may not be the proper solution. 

Sometimes, it is possible that I may never agree with another person, and I say, "Let it be." Such is life. The key is to not let the disagreement affect me or my steady and grounded movement through life. It just is. 

I have violated my own beliefs when I have been unnecessarily selfish- promoting my own interests at all costs- not recognizing the needs and preferences of others;

when I have lost my temper, not been in control of my surfing adventure;

when I have wanted others to hurt as much as they have hurt me;

when I react from a place that is not settled. 

Sometimes, I believe only mothers are capable of showing grace to their children- mercy too. Not all mothers, but my mother was my example. She loved me with her whole heart, even if I sometimes brought her pain. She never gave up on me. Her home was always my place of safety. I think I have only shown true mercy and grace to my pets, especially my cats, no matter the biting or scratching. My mother extended kindness to me when I was perhaps unworthy. She delivered me from judgement and was always safe. That unconditional love is the definition of mother to me. 

I cannot really atone for my sins, but I can use self reflection to understand why I did something unsavory and use that understanding to prevent it from happening again. Communication and empathy are extremely helpful when working through problems with others. When someone else has carelessly stepped on my feelings and sensibilities, I want them to apologize and never do it again. Holding me, comforting me, explaining the why and why not of what happened can help me heal depending upon the circumstances. 

The Nature of Humankind, Part II

What is the nature of humanity and humankind?

     Humans do deserve happiness despite our own negative thinking and self-created injuries and injustices in the world, within national boundaries, embedded in each unique culture, permeating communities, and infecting families. From the macro to the micro, human beings are capable of creating all sorts of trouble and mayhem on the planet. 

     Place: Where we are born, the family we are born into, our socioeconomic status, and the education and income of our parents are all factors that influence how human beings are shaped and the opportunities available to them. Our environment can even activate or deactivate specific genes we carry which have been passed down from generations. Trauma and unfortunate events in life impact our self-image and self-esteem affecting the way we relate to one another. What happens to each one of us from the time we are born- until the time we are five years old- shapes our view of the self, the world, our place in the world, and the way we instinctively interact and form relationships. We can't escape it. 

     Self-esteem, self-concept, self-identity, and the values that each person internalizes as sacred determine the way she or he interacts with the world. Individuals with similarities often feel comfortable grouping together to reinforce what they believe or to give each other strength. This can distance one group from another group because of the differences in lived values and each group's way of living in the world. Early life experiences, bonds or a lack of bonds with caregivers, trauma, and early childhood experiences help to write a life script that we often most dutifully act out on life’s stage consciously and unconsciously every day.
   

     It is important to ensure that all infants and children are nurtured properly- emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, and fully and wholly. Infants and children are delicate and important creations. Today’s infants will be tomorrow’s adults.

     If there is a reliable social safety net; accessible and trustworthy public health; community support available to all; validation of self-identity; kindness; compassion; acceptance; and lifelong assurance that basic needs will be met; we have created circumstances for people to be at their best. These circumstances facilitate people being kind to others, believing in themselves, and thriving as members of a healthy collective. If, on the other hand, these things are not present, social problems in the form of damaged and fearful humans are created.

     Being too individualistic is quite harmful to society. People in all parts of the world need to be acculturated and taught to see ourselves as connected to other humans, animals, insects, plants, and the cycle of nature. Without recognizing the environment and all the other creatures and plants that live in it as important, we will create global warming along with excess pollution and dead zones in waterways and oceans. People can create healthy and pollution-free communities. We have the potential, but many Americans have chosen a path of individualism. They exhibit a lack of concern for the general welfare of fellow citizens. The capitalistic ideology in the United States leans toward rewarding the wealthiest of the wealthy, and blaming the poorest of the poor for his or her situation. America today is not a model of what positive human potential can do.

What makes people sabotage the potential for a healthy society and world? This, for me, is an important question.

     Humans are deeply afraid of not having enough. They tend to focus more on protecting themselves firstly and their families and loved ones secondly. The fear of failing, going hungry, not having health care, being unemployed, or simply having too few resources stalks and burdens many Americans. These negative thoughts have ten times the staying power in the mind and body. Positive thoughts of being kind to others, helping our neighbors, working to better the planet are chased away by fear of never having enough. We, as humans, need to create an environment where all people can achieve their maximum potential. Why can’t we do this? It is our challenge, but we are constantly failing at the task. We have ideals, but we cannot meet them. Fear, shame, and self-hatred are just a few emotions triggering bad behavior. How do we free ourselves from the trap of our own mind generating negative thoughts which in turn will lead to unfortunate behavior?

     Perhaps we have to evolve further for this to happen. Understanding our brain science and using psychology to understand what the brain needs to be healthy is also an important part of rising to our human potential since so much of each person’s reality exists in her or his own mind. And, absolute power often does corrupt. The shadows and dark side of human nature are very real. Exploitation, greed, arrogance, dominance, abuse, and the quest for power over other human beings reflect our unflattering behaviors. Humans are, in part, the sum of their behaviors. How do we behave well to contribute to strengthening humankind rather than harming or destroying other people and the planet? Taking responsibility for our lives and our actions is a step in the healing direction. The nature of humanity is lodged in its potential. Let's build, structure, and operate society and its institutions so that human potential is beneficially enriching the planet rather than destroying it. 

A Rough Draft Revision of My Ten Commandments (inspired by the Jefferson Bible)

     1.     There should be no culture of worshipping humankind as Gods. We as humans must take responsibility for ourselves.

     2.     Our acts in the world are what matter most.

     3.     Thou shall strive to know thy own mind.

     4.     Strive to be self-aware so I recognize when I bring harm to myself or others.

     5.     Strive to change behaviors that are not productive or beneficial to myself or others.

     6.     Strive to work for social justice and practice becoming comfortable spending time outside my own personal comfort zone.

      7.     Try to understand the realities of others, and help them understand my reality, so I can live in harmony with them and they with me.

     8.     Understand my shadow side- the side that hides and torments me. If I don’t, I will behave in ways that are destructive to myself and others.

     9.     Learn more about the brain and how it impacts behavior. Do the same for the nature/nurture debate so I can better understand myself and others.

And, number 10:

     10.  Strive to make wise choices for my mental and physical health.

Map of My Theology: Part I

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Map of My Theology: Part I

I.   What is the nature of the Beyond? How do I interact with it?

There is no mysterious, hopeful, glittering, redemptive, heavenly, fatherly, open-armed beckoning afterlife with a robed Sugar Daddy of forgiveness waiting for me. I never identified with the pomp and circumstance of Christian art expressing this viewpoint. I always found cherubs cheeky and over the top.

Fewer trumpets and angel wings is what I believe. There is only the here and now for me. My experience is in this moment- the reality of my life and thoughts and the plural realities and experiences of other sentient beings interacting with me.

Assumption of the Virgin (1518) – Titian  (Have you ever been tempted to tickle a cherub?) 

I believe in the energy we create as a mass of living, breathing, fertile or barren lifeforms in the world and the motives and purposes of directing energy into influencing our environment and fellow creatures. I believe it is my purpose to manufacture energy that is positive, healing, and peaceful through my words and deeds. My energy contributes to the collective energy which keeps things stable, unstable or somewhere in the middle. My energy matters, and I need to be concerned about how I use it. The best way to use my life force is to improve the planet, my own life, and the lives of others.

I am an earth-based believer in an integrated ecology which involves understanding and supporting the life cycles of all sentient beings from birth to death. I’m skeptical of supernatural claims.

The Ultimate is my self-realization of my place in the collective. Since there is a global crisis of loneliness, a harmonious blending of the individual into the group is something most humans crave in order to feel a sense of belonging and happiness. This is more important than an afterlife.

Millennials and the Loneliness Epidemic, Forbes, May 3, 2019 

It is the realization that my actions do matter because they impact the health of the planet and affect my fellow life forms sharing space with me. I should strive to live in a way that does no harm, in a way that respects my home and the resources of future generations also living here who are not yet born or just learning to toddle unsteadily on their feet.

This path I describe honors the Ultimate and my conception of the Beyond.

Karma is real to me, but not in a sword-swinging, justice will be done sort of fashion. Karma is the rhythm of the universe and beyond. It’s the certainty for me that I do matter, that what I do is significant. It holds me accountable and tells me my actions will have consequences.

Given this knowledge, I prefer to walk the middle path of moderation, respect others, and generate kind energy so my karmic imprint is friendly. I know this is impossible to do at all times, but the ideal is a compass to keep in my pocket on foggy days. Free inquiry and free exchange of opposing ideas on the Ultimate and Beyond without manipulation, malice, or disrespect is key to theological harmony. This process should never be coercive or judgemental.

I believe in inquiry, logic, evidence, the scientific method, and academic rigor when exploring my own ideas of the Beyond.

Evolution is how I see our small planet maturing. I don’t have a creation story.

We should defend universal human rights and advocate for social justice so our karma will produce energy that benefits the planet. Actions are important. 

I believe we are reincarnated but gradually as our bodies decompose and return to the earth. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust: We nourish the earth with our remains decomposing naturally. The earth in turn nourishes us. That is why interconnectedness and an awareness of the life cycles of all sentient beings should be considered as we care for the earth. We all suffer as humans, but we can lessen that suffering if we believe in awareness in the present moment, kindness, and most importantly- that our actions matter.