Freedom

Notes on Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

A Paradox to Manage, Not a Problem to Solve

What makes sustaining desire over time so difficult is that it requires reconciling two opposing forces: freedom and commitment. That makes it harder to “work at.” It belongs to the category of existential dilemmas that are as unsolvable as they are unavoidable. We find the same polarities in every system: stability and change, passion and reason, personal interest and collective wellbeing, action and reflection (to name but a few). They express dynamics that are part of the very nature of reality. Barry Johnson, an expert in leadership who is the author of Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems, describes polarities as sets of interdependent opposites that belong to the same whole- you can’t choose one over the other; the system needs both to survive (p. 82).

Human relationships are a paradox to manage. We are too complicated as living beings to be simple problems to solve. Human emotions and past experiences make that impossible.

Evolutionary Anthropology

There’s an evolutionary anthropologist named Helen Fisher who explains that lust is metabolically expensive. It’s hard to sustain after the evolutionary payoff: the kids. You become so focused on the incessant demands of daily life that you short-circuit any electric charge between you (Perel, p. 79).

Desire and an erotic connection to one’s partner involve self-awareness and empathy.