Social Connections And Honesty

Knowing What I Need

I believe this, but Dean Ornish states it so well in his book:

At some level, we are all interconnected. Thus, every lie is known at some level, even if the other person does not consciously want to acknowledge it. Every lie to our loved one, every deceit- no matter how seemingly small or trivial- causes trust to begin dying. As trust dies, intimacy withers (p. 91-92).

Getting involved with a man who is not single means I can't trust him because I know he hasn't been honest with his wife or girlfriend. If he would lie to the person he claims to be the most important romantic connection in his life, what will he do to me?

And I DO AGREE with Ornish when he writes that he needs trust, commitment, and complete honesty in order to feel safe enough to make himself vulnerable to love someone without holding back. I need those things too.

It’s good to know what one needs in a relationship. Life is all about learning!

I also like this definition of success from Ralph Fiennes, in addition to adoring his performance in The English Patient:

"I call people 'successful' not because they have money or their business is doing well but because, as human beings, they have a fully developed sense of being alive and engaged in a lifetime task of collaboration with other human beings- their mothers and fathers, their family, their friends, their loved ones, the friends who are dying, the friends who are being born" (p. 96). I will add my personal input to his definition. The joy of living is part of the walk, talk and gestures of such a person. Laughter is a daily sound and the connections among emotion (heart), intellect (head), spirituality (soul), and body are strong and wise.

I have always known that talking to my friends is an important step in healing and moving on when a setback or emotional challenge stands in my path, but according to Ornish, "Increasing scientific evidence documents the healing benefits of opening your heart. Many studies have shown that self-disclosure- that is, talking or even writing about your feelings to others- improves physical health, enhances immune function, reduces cardiovascular reactivity, decreases absentee rates, and may even prolong life... if you have suffered a major upheaval in your life, talk to your friends about it" (p. 124-125). I couldn't agree more. After talking to friends about emotional upheavals, I feel cleansed and ready for round two: craziness of the world versus me.

Idea: I may need to spend some time with my Ohana when I leave Brazzaville at the end of June. I need some Kalani love in my life.


Dean Ornish, Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy, HaperCollins, 1998